“ACCEPTANCE, BIRTHDAYS, AND THE MEANING OF LIFE.”
“What’s the meaning of life?”
Sitting in Audubon, a park opposite to Tulane, Andrew our Professor asked us this hard-hitting question. Binx Bolling approaches his 30th birthday without this answer in The Moviegoer, realizing he’s been coasting through life. Comfortable, but unfulfilled. He begins what he calls the search, looking for a sign, something that tells him he’s alive. He doesn’t know exactly what he’s looking for, only that he needs to start looking.
I turned 19 this week, not 30. I’m not stuck in suburbia or crushed by routine (at least not yet…) Reading Binx however, I started to feel something similar. Not a crisis, but rather uncertainty, that sense that you’re standing on the edge of something: adulthood, direction, or identity. What will come next? And will I be ready?
Jackson Square (Jun 1st)
Halfway through this trip, I gained life changing news. I had originally been accepted to USC with the expectation I would major in Music Industry, but decided my passions lied elsewhere: in Iovine and Young Academy. After a competitive application, portfolio, and interview process, I was left to wait for my decision.
Suddenly, sitting reading in Jackson Square with a book in my lap, I got the email: I had been accepted into my dream program.
I’d imagined this moment for a while, and when it came I jumped out of my chair and definetly made a scene.
The future wasn’t a dream anymore, it was real. This was a new chapter I was able to step into. However, the questioned changed from Will I get in? to What will I do now?
My anxiety didn’t disapear, it only shifted, and my curiosity on how much future would pan out only grew. That feeling hit me hard. My path forward was clearer, but I realized the path wasn’t enough, I had hoped I wanted direction-but instead I wanted connection, meaning, that thing that grounds you and tells you ‘you’re really here.’
(June 8th)
Binx’s journey is never clearly defined, because it can’t be. It’s a hunger for something, a future just out of reach. Or possibly a connection he hopes to get. Or just a feeling that life isn’t slipping out of reach without him noticing.
He’s not lost in the traditional sense, he has a nice apartment and fine career, but he hasn’t been found either. Percy describes this as despair, even though Binx can’t realize it. Binx floats through parties and family obligations like he’s an outsider watching his own life from the outside, never quite in the moment. He starts going to the movies not for escape, but for clues to his own despair.
And, strangely, I get it.
Binx reminds me that life is less about spectacle and more about noticing. Even pocketing his wallet in the morning becomes a moment of importance, one that grounds him, because he sees it all. His life becomes suspicious nad full of possibility. It’s a way of viewing life I tried to carry around the rest of my trip.
Crescent City Connection (June 2nd)
Bourbon Street (June 8th!)
Therefore, when my birthday came around, I paid attention.
We went to a resturant called Tableau, tucked into the French Quarter, likely somewhere where Binx might’ve wandered. I ate pork and oysters, and gourged myself on gnocchi and crème brûlée. I felt like I had an earth-shattering revelation, and not just because of the food (though it helped), but because of the people around me. This entire trip we’ve laughed hard together, shared stories, and have become intamately close as friends much further than I would’ve ever expected. For a few hours, my life was as narrow as the table, and I could feel myself in it, not watching my future slide by from the outside.
Binx searching for that answer tells him that he’s really here. And I felt it.
I wasn’t chasing answers, I wasn’t worrying about what’s next, or what my next greatest project would be. I was just present with the people around me, and maybe that’s what “meaning” is at 19…. not a destination but a moment of connection. A table of people who make the world feel a little less uncertain.
…and yes Mom, I turned 19 on Bourbon Street.
Sorry not sorry!